Nipples in the Cathedral

"Complete abstinence is easier than perfect moderation."

- Saint Augustine

November article from the Daily Mail: Was Catherine of Aragon anorexic?

Nothing much to report from my end. The weight stagnates. The minutiae of our nervous disease bores even me. Eating these dried hibiscus flowers has taken over three hours. They have the texture of a thick fruit leather, the faint taste of cranberry, and cholesterol lowering and diuretic properties. I love to eat flowers but contrary to my regular consumption, not in their natural state. Candied violets are another favorite. When I worked at a mall-based tea shop, I'd shift through the lavender white tea for those and feed skeptical customers. Did the same with the employees, baffled and amused how often I'd say, "Eat this," and my co-worker would lick whatever random ingredient off their palm before asking, "What is it?" More important than intelligence is curiosity. People close their lips around obscenities and allow products like mechanically separated meat to pass as foodstuffs. Steer clear of unfermented soy protein isolates, newly resolved vegans and vegetarians.

Ironic Process

The house is empty now. Today's is the first morning I haven't woken to terrible Quebecois pork smells, cretons on toast or warmed leftover tourtière and a pork stuffing we don't have a bastardized name for. Same dish, different textures. I got off a little on taking a piece of coconut cream pie for breakfast with homemade whipped cream. Gave my pitiful three-legged dog the crust before a triumphant toss in the trash can, untouched. I don't normally waste food like that. The pie taunted me, though, cellophane wrap catching in the glare of the fridge bulb when I went for a container of strawberries. So I dressed it up and dropped it to prove nothing to no one.

The performance ran contrary to how I've been better able to restrict lately, regarding it as 'doing nothing' instead of a conscious effort. Fight or flight? Nah, my biological mechanism learned to freeze. Dumber than an ostrich with its head in the sand is the kid who closes their eyes to disappear. Stay in bed, spend hours looking at job listings and resume/cover letter improvement sites, avoid food and the question of eating altogether. I have to be careful getting caught up in inertia. Once slipped into dysthymia, I can't be bothered to even shower. Bulimics displace hunger, the physical, for appetite, the desire. Anorexics kill the desire. And I've always been able to deny what I want most if it suggests any sort of emotional risk or inconvenience. "Hold on; hold fast; hold out," wrote Georges-Louis Leclerc, "Patience is genius." Hunger contractions last thirty seconds and pangs go on for forty-five minutes. If you manage to hold out, those won't return for hours.

While laying about, I watched All Over Me, an intensely authentic independent film I saw back in 2002 on IFC late at night, a blanket thrown over the television to hide its glow, lest my parents discover lesbian movies! In our basement! Plot: two friends' coming of age in Hell's Kitchen presents with complications. Distant families, drugs, bad boys, gay boys, homicide. This movie also has a rather hip soundtrack up there with Movern Callar and Breakfast on Pluto, which you immediately know by Babes in Toyland's "Hello" in its trailer. Tara Subkoff from the upcycled designer line Imitation of Christ (Chloë Sevigny was a creative director) played Ellen, the almost Borderline best friend, when she was actually 25. She's impossibly tiny. An IMDB user described her as "Buffy the Vampire Slayer if Buffy were the vampire instead of the slayer." 

The taller one is the protagonist, Claude. Her mother is diet-obsessed to the point of adding a funhouse mirror in their kitchen. Bizarre? Clever?

Pictures of headless swimsuit models adorn the fridge, too.

Murmurs-era Leisha Hailey showed up as the grrl band love interest of Claude, sweetly tolerant of Claude's insecurity and epic freakout to "Pissing in a River." Check out that clavicle, and of course there's no need to mention the awesome pink hair.

Today's intake with designated animal protein: fresh orange mango juice, granny smith apple, oolong tea, mashed potatoes, white meat turkey, gravy with the fat skimmed off the top. Less than 500 calories. Better tomorrow.